The Observer's Gift ...
... how triggers become teachers!
I was driving through town, feeling upbeat and enjoying my day, when I saw someone I knew. He stopped for a moment to say something, but all I could see was the aggressive look in his eyes—pure anger radiating from his expression. In that instant, my insides sank. The lightness I'd been feeling vanished, replaced by a heavy sensation that seemed to settle into my bones.
As I drove on, aware of how dramatically my state had shifted, I began to investigate. What was this negative feeling that had so quickly replaced my joy? As I stayed curious rather than defensive, something surprising emerged: guilt. Guilt about feeling good about my life when someone else was clearly struggling. The belief that if others are suffering, I shouldn't allow myself happiness.
But it went deeper. As I remained present to the sensation rather than trying to push it away, an assortment of beliefs began surfacing—lies I had been telling myself for years, patterns that had been undermining outcomes in my life without my conscious awareness.
This is the observer's gift: the ability to witness our reactions without being enrolled in them, to use our triggers as doorways to freedom rather than evidence of our damage.
Beyond Reactive Living
Most of us move through life in survival mode, automatically reacting to whatever triggers our nervous system. When someone's expression, tone, or energy stirs something uncomfortable inside us, we typically do one of two things: we attack back (defending ourselves) or we shut down (protecting ourselves). Both responses keep us trapped in patterns that were designed to help us survive but may no longer serve our growth.
There's a saying: "If they can control your reaction, they own you." But what if the real truth is simpler and more empowering? What if no one can control our reactions—only we can? What if every trigger is actually an invitation to understand ourselves more deeply?
This doesn't mean people can't be harmful or that we should tolerate abuse. It means recognizing where our actual power lies: not in controlling others' behavior, but in becoming conscious of our own internal responses and what they reveal about our hidden beliefs and patterns.
The Observer State
Being an observer means witnessing your thoughts and emotions without being enrolled in them. It's recognizing how someone's expression stirs something within you and becoming curious about what that something is, rather than making their behavior mean you did something wrong.
The observer doesn't deny the reaction—they investigate it. They don't try to eliminate triggers—they learn from them. They don’t react and ‘run from; them—they lean in and respond to them. They understand that the only one who can upset us is us, not because others' actions don't matter, but because our reactions always come from our own internal landscape.
This is radically different from spiritual bypassing or toxic positivity. We're not pretending everything is fine or that others' behavior doesn't affect us. We're acknowledging the effect while taking responsibility for our response to it.
Triggers as Information
When we operate as observers, triggers become valuable information rather than evidence of our victimhood. Every uncomfortable reaction reveals something about our internal world—beliefs we didn't know we held, wounds we didn't realize were still tender, patterns we didn't recognize were running our lives.
In my encounter with the angry man, the trigger revealed layers I couldn't have accessed through analysis or therapy alone:
The immediate guilt about feeling good when others suffer
The deeper belief that my happiness was somehow selfish or wrong
Years of undermining beliefs that had been sabotaging my life
None of this was accessible until the trigger brought it to the surface. The angry expression wasn't the problem—it was the catalyst that revealed what needed healing.
The Truth in Everything
One of the most liberating realizations is that there is truth in everything, which is precisely why being an observer removes the trigger's power over us. When we stop protecting ourselves from triggers and start getting curious about them, we discover that every uncomfortable reaction contains guidance.
The person who triggers our anger might be reflecting our own unexpressed rage. The individual who seems selfish might be showing us where we've abandoned our own needs. The one who appears judgmental might be mirroring our harsh inner critic.
A big truth for me came when my former father-in-law once said that one of my sons didn’t feel safe with me. Infuriated by this lie, I let him know. I never raised a hand to any of my kids and couldn’t understand why he would be so cruel to insinuate such a thing. Yet, safe has many faces and in this case, with time, I came to realize that this would be my first face-to-face experience with emotional reactivity. This moment would be the one that changed my life.
How could I be safe with anyone if I couldn’t be safe with myself?
This isn't about blame or making everything our fault—it's about recognizing that we can only be triggered by energy that somehow resonates with our own internal patterns.
When we see the truth in what triggers us, the emotional charge naturally dissolves. We stop being victims of other people's energy and become students of our own consciousness.
Practical Observer Skills
Becoming an observer isn't a mystical practice—it's a practical skill that can be developed and applied in real-time. Here's how:
Notice the Shift: The moment you feel your internal state change in response to someone else, pause. Don't immediately react or try to fix the feeling. Simply notice: "My energy changed."
Get Curious, Not Defensive: Instead of asking "Why are they acting this way?" ask "What is going on with me?" Instead of "How dare they!" try "What is familiar about this?"
Stay Present to the Sensation: Don't rush to analyze or understand. Feel the sensation in your body. Is it heavy? Tight? Hot? Cold? Let the physical sensation guide you to the emotional content underneath.
Investigate Without Judgment: As beliefs, memories, or patterns surface, observe and have an ‘oh wow’ kind of moment. Avoid judging them as good or bad. They're simply information. What are they telling you about how you see yourself, others, or the world?
Look for the Gift: Every trigger contains medicine if we're willing to receive it. What is this reaction trying to teach you? What pattern is ready to be seen and potentially disrupted?
The Immediate Impact
When we approach triggers as observers rather than reactors, several things happen immediately:
We stop being controlled by other people's energy. Their mood, behavior, or expression can't determine our internal state because we're not automatically absorbing and reacting to it.
We discover beliefs and patterns that have been running our lives unconsciously. The trigger brings to light what was hidden, giving us the opportunity to choose whether these patterns still serve us.
We transform from victims to students. Instead of being at the mercy of others' behavior, we become inspired by our own ability to shift the energy in any situation.
We feel empowered by choice. This doesn't mean we are emotionless—it means our emotions become information rather than directives.
Beyond Personal Healing
Operating as an observer has ripple effects beyond personal growth. When we stop reacting automatically to others' triggers, we give them space to be. Our non-reactive presence can actually help others become easier with themselves.
We also stop contributing to the collective reactivity that keeps communities, families, and organizations trapped in cycles of trigger and response. One person operating as an observer can shift the entire dynamic of a relationship or group.
How? One word—cortisol. Cortisol is emitted through sweat glands in the skin and detectable by those around you. The easier you are with your responses, the less cortisol you are ‘scenting’ the room with.
Reactivity as Guidance
Perhaps most importantly, this approach transforms how we relate to our own reactivity. Instead of feeling ashamed when we get triggered, we can feel grateful for the information our reactions provide. Instead of trying to eliminate our triggers, we can appreciate them as teachers.
Our reactivity isn't bad—it's guidance. It shows us where we're stuck within our own minds and opens the door for growing beyond the limits we've set for ourselves. Every uncomfortable reaction is an invitation to expand, to see more clearly, to choose more consciously.
This doesn't mean we seek out triggers or put ourselves in harmful situations. It means when triggers inevitably arise—as they do for all of us—we can use them as opportunities for greater self-awareness rather than evidence of our damage.
The Observer's Freedom
The ultimate gift of becoming an observer is freedom: freedom from being controlled by others' energy, freedom from unconscious patterns that no longer serve us, freedom to choose our responses rather than being driven by automatic reactions.
We discover that we are not at the mercy of other people's moods, expressions, or behaviors. We learn that our internal state is our responsibility and our power. We realize that every trigger is actually a gift—an opportunity to know ourselves more deeply and choose more consciously.
This is practical spirituality at its finest: not transcending our humanity, but integrating the two. Not eliminating our reactions, but learning from them. Not avoiding triggers, but transforming our relationship with them.
The invitation is simple: the next time someone's energy shifts your internal state, get curious instead of defensive. Investigate instead of reacting. Look for the gift instead of the grievance. Your triggers are trying to teach you something—are you willing to learn?
Ready to transform your triggers into teachers and discover the observer within you? What would change if you could support your nervous system's capacity for conscious response rather than automatic reaction, and unlock the wisdom that your triggers contain? You’re invited to schedule a free call with me and to explore ways to bring ‘Being back into the building!’