Justified reactions ...
... bringing Being back into the building
We walk through our days absentmindedly going through our routines—getting things done, attending to what we believe is needed. This is survival: automatically living out our days, moving from one task to the next, one crisis to the next, ready to react to whatever life throws at us.
We talk endlessly about being self-aware, encouraging self-care, advocating for the right to be selfish and enjoy life as we desire. To what end? Breakdown after breakdown. The ups and downs of life that we've collectively normalized as just "that’s life."
But what if our reactions—even the ones that seem selfish or defensive—are exactly what we need to survive? What if they're not character flaws but protective patterns that have served us well?
The Price of Protection
My mother used to ferociously get on me about being selfish—how dare I always think about myself. Well, when you're under attack physically, mentally, and emotionally, selfish is all there is. Seeking ‘shelter’ from the storm, selfish is your survival mode.
I hated the idea that I appeared selfish. Even as a child, my reflection in the mirror was haggard. I cared about people then as deeply as I care about them now. But things have changed a lot since first hearing those words. I’ve come to understand something much differently about what "selfish" actually means.
Selfish is self-serving. The first ‘rule of order’ is we must serve ourselves in order to survive. We learn how to react from the moment we are conceived. Nature mirrors itself, and in utero, the developing brain of the fetus mirrors the reactive patterns of the mother. This is why a pregnancy that appears easy to the outside world can still produce a highly anxious child—unknown reactive patterns that permeate that individual’s life.
Hence the familiar saying: you spot it, you got it. You only recognize the energy you carry.
We're aware of the reactions that people can see, but even in the most thoughtful person, the way that they act on different matters—no matter how nice or kind they seem—is carried out from a self-serving unknown reactive pattern. This isn't wrong; it's human.
Preservation is the way of nature. Humans are the only organism with the capacity to observe themselves. And by observe I mean, we can be fully aware of our reactions, the thoughts and emotions motivating them and then, without pressure, choose how to proceed. No other animal can do this. It took me many years to achieve this … until that moment arrived, my existence was simply thrashing about ‘in the emotional rapids’ of my mind.
The challenge is we're not taught how to think—humans have never known how to think. Despite the fact that there have been a few thinkers over time that have offered their views on the concept of thinking, as a whole, all humans have done is apply words to our reactions. What if we learned how to hold off before doing? What if we practiced bringing the Being ‘back into the building’ before taking any action? We would eliminate the ‘re’—we would eliminate repeating patterns. Did you know the prefix ‘re’ means again?
When Life Becomes a Courtroom
After abusive relationships, having my two oldest boys kidnapped, spending over 25 years in court defending my right to be a mom, being disowned by my parents, hearing that my field of interest was useless and no better than a hobby, being told I don't deserve a good life or nice things and that I am mentally fucked up and broken—it's fair to say I had established plenty of protective patterns.
All I knew was to be on high alert, ready to put out the next fire. What I endlessly cried out for was for someone to take care of me. I was burnt out and done. The reactive questions that haunted me were simple but devastating: Do I really want someone in my life? Am I even worthy of being loved? Or am I this waste of a person that everyone seems to think I am?
My inner war was undetectable to the outside world. Or was it?
These weren't just thoughts—they were the foundation of how I moved through my days, always defending, always justifying, always ready for the next attack.
Everything is Medicine
Here's what I've learned: Manifestation is receiving. Everything that happens in our life is of our manifestation. The people, situations, breakdowns and accomplishments. All of it!! To receive is to accept—not settle for, but accept. Acceptance is to receive life. Receive it as the medicine needed to heal from the wounds brought on by the interpretations—allow it to source you.
As we’re reminded: God | the Universe always works in your favor
But with the world operating in survival mode—and that is the majority of people—this kind of receiving feels impossible. I believe there are some who have a better understanding of themselves and how to do this, but not many.
We like to think we can become selfless, but becoming selfless doesn't just happen. Without awareness of our justified reactions, we kid ourselves into believing we are.
The Aftermath of Victory
When the court hearings had ended, my kids were grown, the relationships were over, and my parents had passed away, I was alone. Not lonely—in the words of Austin Powers, just spent. Broke and at rock bottom, I had given it my all, and done what I thought was my best.
I tolerated the generous support of my sons while feeling like shit about myself. Oh, I put on the good face, but internally, I believed I was the most pathetic, intolerable person alive. I had myself convinced that their generosity was out of obligation, not kindness.
People would say things that hurt—I vomited on the inside while smiling on the outside. Can you say toxic positivity?
I was doing all the things that were suggested: gratitude, taking action, being tenacious, taking breaks, focusing on doing things I enjoyed—all while pissing people off. Some might say that's their problem. Several health diagnoses later, I disagree.
The Mirror of Manifestation
We are always manifesting our medicine. Saying "that's their problem" is resisting the value in their upset. Although no one could see my internal reactions, these thoughts affected my actions. I manifested every angry glare and word. Their emotional reactions triggered something in me. My job was to notice and become curious about what that trigger was revealing. Not react one more time and repeat survival patterns.
History only repeats itself when you give it permission.
The challenge we all face is that when we have an uncomfortable, sometimes hostile interaction, we mutter: "Fuck off! I don't deserve this."
Of course you do. We all do! The moment you accept this, you win!
People have decided we only deserve the things we deem fun, good, pleasant, and so on. But that's not living. We deserve it all. The question is: do we deserve to see the light in the difficulties? More importantly—will we allow ourselves to receive it?
The Path of Justified Reactions
The path that led to these realizations was a self-serving one. I justified my actions by my past as well as the current circumstances. I convinced myself I was exercising my inner authority. What I was actually doing was exercising my beliefs about myself—everything that was wrong with me.
This was my inner human authority…
But here's the thing: I didn't parent my kids the way I talked to myself. I was going to be different from my mother. There it was—blame. I may not have been directly accusing her, but I had interpreted my mother's words and actions to mean there was something fundamentally wrong with me.
When in reality, her message was exactly what I was supposed to hear. It just took decades of justifying my reactions to finally tune in and understand it for myself. And in the way of Nature, her parenting influenced my kids upbringing. Thank you Mom!
The Messenger and the Message
We may not like the way a message is delivered, but we're not here to judge the messenger. We're here to hear what needs to be heard, to receive what we need to receive.
Our justified reactions—every single one of them—have been protecting us, teaching us, guiding us toward something we couldn't see at the time. They weren't mistakes; they were exactly what we needed to survive and hopefully, to grow.
The question isn't whether our reactions were justified. They were. The question is: what are they teaching us and will we allow the medicine of manifestation to source our growth?
Ready to see your life differently and discover your capacity as a gracious receiver? What would change if you could perceive and receive the light that exists within every experience, even the most challenging ones? You’re invited to schedule a free call with me and let’s explore ways to bring ‘Being back into the building!’