Get over yourself ...
... the birth of the KNEW you!
trigger warning … the first section describes my inner experience while witnessing someone’s passing
The purpose for sharing this story is to emphasize the inner experience. Something I feel has more meaning than I originally thought …
A time of day I really enjoy are the tranquil moments before the sun rises. The peace! I can’t imagine anything feeling better other than being back in the womb. Inviting, cozy … mine.
This is how December 9, 2021 began. Just like any other day … until the man I was venturing through life with nervously sat up in bed, rapidly breathing. I asked what was going on and said he seemed anxious. He agreed. ‘I feel anxious.’
Asking if I needed to call an ambulance, he said, ‘No.’ Grabbing some oils to rub on his chest, I suggested that maybe I should take him then. ‘No. I don’t want to go to the hospital.’ He stood for only a moment before laying back down … for good.
On the phone with 911, I was taking orders from the dispatcher while shouting his name, thinking this cannot be happening and wondering what I needed to do to stop the nightmare …. I cannot recall a time when my head was firing in every way imaginable!
And as I look back, I also remember feeling an overwhelming sense of peace. As if I were in the womb … kind of tranquility.
Attached AND No Thing
This was my inner experience and as I went back to that moment not too long ago, I likened it to the time I asked my mom how I got to be ‘in here’. “Why can’t I see myself like I can see you?”
As if that’s a common question from a 3 year old …Despite what was happening, there was a part of me, the observer, that was ‘OK’ with the situation.
‘Ok’ … the word that sent me spiraling at the age of 18. That’s how old I was when my 13-year-old sister passed away. All I heard was ‘Joelle is going to be ok’.
‘Ok’, as defined by my head at the time, meant she was going to live. It went the other way.
I’ve found myself talking and writing extensively about unidentifying with certain beliefs and roles. Perhaps this is what led me back to the moment Steve transitioned.
I remember days later looking at myself and how hard I fought for him to stay. I then recognized a pattern in me. Fighting …
I packaged it pretty well. Fighting for others by attempting to strong arm them into doing something. There was even a time that I told the founder of Accomplishment Coaching, my mentor coach, that I could see the essence of people and felt like shaking them so that they could see what I see.
Yeah .. I actually said that. Not my finest moment.
And yet, it illustrates a deep drive to fight.
Oddly, just a few weeks before he passed away, Steve looked at me over coffee one morning and reflected that I was born fighting for my life. His comment was in reference to an insight I’d had around my mom’s pregnancy with me.
She was placed on a strict diet of carrots, crackers and celery for 6 1/2 months. I still weighed 8 1/2 pounds, but the thought around how difficult it must have been for a mother to starve herself. I’m certain there was a lot of anger and fear around it which became a part of my identity.
Neuroscience shows the brain mirrors that of the mother throughout gestation not to mention the emotional patterning / messaging from the sperm. These influences set you up to survive this physical world.
That ability matters. It’s your survival mechanism … NOT generational trauma as we’ve come to accept the meaning …
Just like the word ‘ok’, words are subjective …
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations. Jeremiah 1:5
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart
God Consciousness KNEW you. God Consciousness had an intention for you. However, you’re only fated when you choose to live from your identity.
I was equipped with the energy to fight for what I needed. Figure things out.
Fight for Life …
But not just my life. I see that now. Fight for the lives of others. But it goes deeper than being a Savior. Oh yeah … I use that archetype on purpose because identities are ego based. The essence of Who you are is No Thing.
You see, the identity of Savior was a shield. I felt flawed because I couldn’t save myself. Without noticing, I distracted myself from being Present and spent a good amount of my life trying to save people from themselves.
I’m being totally transparent right now because the more I shed light on it, the faster these ways of operating recoil only to be called upon when needed.
They have a purpose … survival.
Destiny is something you generate when you separate from the multitude of identities and patterns you’ve attached yourself too throughout.
You are enmeshed with the various roles and beliefs you embody.
According to Psychcentral.com ‘Enmeshment prevents us from developing a strong sense of self.’
It’s not unlike your own Sybil moment … but layers of personas. Keep in mind, Savior didn’t come with a degree or marriage license. That was a self-appointed identity that filled the void of believing I was useless and unnecessary.
Why fight for something that doesn’t matter … right?
This is why Steve’s passing was SO profound. I saw things at the time. I had questions and opinions while wrestling with God one more time over taking a person from me.
Can you hear the attachment?
I loved Steve deeply. I KNEW him yet it was our identities that were in relationship because neither of us KNEW ourselves as God Consciousness KNEW us.
It’s said that everything happens for a reason.
In this case, I believe it was to KNOW myself and the ONLY way I was going to meet the essence of Who I AM was to be dizzied by lack of control and pure inability. Not one of my identities could change the outcome!
I experienced the dichotomy of self.
Perhaps this is one way confusion and overwhelm can serve you, me and the people we love?
We live in a very physical world with a LOT of words, opinions, things, entertainment, discord, chaos, beauty, pleasure, and so on … It’s an abundant existence. So, it’s easy to be consumed with too much.
Without a strong sense of self, it’s easy to find yourself enrolled and engaged in the physicality of this existence. Hence my question about the blessing of confusion and overwhelm.
If you identify as someone who is easily confused or overwhelmed, my question: what do you need to feel clear headed?
In case you haven’t heard it yet, rest is the key. And by rest I mean, put your head on pause! Become inconsistent with the way you think and relate to life. Establish habits of breaking patterns of disturbance.
Stillness Speaks as Eckart Tolle says. (a great book!!)
I recently received an email with a clear and simple statement in the subject line: Go from rush hour to rest hour.
For years I’ve heard references to the way Nature doesn’t rush. The only species that rushes to be productive and accomplish is the human species. No wonder we call it a race .. we’re in a race to outdo the other identities populating the planet!
With my recent recollection of mySelf as the observer … the space of safety and peace, I posed the question, ‘How does this apply to going through a physical world?’
I knew the answer before I finished the question. Not to sound cliche’ yet it was to be clear, aware and attentive. When in that space I KNOW what needs to be offered in the moment.
Because I am wired in my own unique way, as you are, my automatic reactions do kick in when I’m not clear. We live in a world where our existence feels threatened by so many things whether it’s backlash, being ostracized by friends or family, viral microbes, financial and world disasters … we’re surrounded so it stands to reason that most, if not all, are on high alert.
Everyone is wired to survive …
I opt to use essential oils so that I am able access my Higher Self. NOT relieve anxiety or stress. This is an OLD SCHOOL way of supporting the brain and body.
I prefer to incorporate them into my day or prior to a moment to bridge the gap between the human reactor and the responsive Self that offers insight and guidance on how to navigate the moment.
Is this why I grabbed them for Steve that morning thinking I was helping him when in fact it was to position me in absolute Love?
To be a part of his final embodied moment helped me see the writing on the wall: Get Over Yourself. He clearly KNEW me as I KNEW him and for that gift … I am forever grateful!
If you have thoughts or questions, share them here or reach out! I am happy to chat!